Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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