I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize