I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
