24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
