im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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