My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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