I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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