I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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