It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
