She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
