What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
