Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
