So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You are a genius and a whore.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
