I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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