Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
