I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
