An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
