Banned from zoo.
Again?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
