I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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