The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
