I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
