you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
