just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
