He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize