On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Sext me about skeletons
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
