I think my fart just growled at me.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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