Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Use "feeling words"
Yay
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
