I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
