He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
