STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize