a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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