How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
