I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I need help removing her.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize