Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
