Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
