i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
