Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
