it hurts more in the daytime
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
