yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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