Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
