I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
