I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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