I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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