I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize