direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
