Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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