so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
