What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
