Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Farmville is her only friend.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
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