Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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