don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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