he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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