You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
