We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize