I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
