Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
