You made me cry and you don't even care
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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