I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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