the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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