I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We need to feng shui this bitch.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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