dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
