You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
