Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
