I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
