you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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