don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
