btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
