I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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