The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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