I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
